Painful.

A few weekends ago a bunch of people got together to play a 5 v 5 indoor soccer tourney. It was a friendly set of matches. HOWEVER, even friendlies have their moments of competition. It is in those moments one ends up with a toe that looks like this:

I feel like the pain, discoloration and eventual loss of my toe nail all reflect the deeper struggles of the last few weeks.

I set out on this new journey of life thinking I was moving forward on the path that had been set before me. I believed that I was where I was supposed to be. Things fell into place so perfectly. The job fit me so well, the location was amazing and I already had plans to grow and deepen friendships. It was a dream come true and a chance to do something that satisfied my soul’s longing to have an impact among a people I love.

The trauma of having my heart smashed – just like getting kicked – has left a big, ugly bruise. You know the kind where even the lightest of touches makes you scream in pain. It’s the kind of bruise that makes you hobble around for days and gets bigger and darker with each passing moment. Honestly, it is the kind of bruise that I might usually show off in pride because I had lived through the large amount of pain necessary to cause such a bruise. Right now there is no pride in my bruise. I cannot stand in a Rockyesque pose with my arms lifted in victory because it still hurts to lift my arms.

As the discoloration of my dream sets in the hardest question has been how could I decide to move on to something else? I was so sure this is where I was supposed to be going. It was where I wanted to be going … yet even in the changes I know I am where I am supposed to be. I know I did not take a wrong turn on the road forward. Nor will I speculate what I missed because I do not think I missed anything. It just appears that the Land of the Scots will not be my first stop; the ancient Celtic language will not be my third language.

The eventual loss of a toe nail is the body’s response to healing the brokenness and riding the body of impurities in order for new growth – the change in plans and my response to those changes is part of my soul’s own refining. It is a chance for new growth in faith, strength and dependence on my Father above. I look forward to the day when my heart once again matches where I am … just as my toes will match again, looking normal and healthy.

Victory.

Winner, winner chicken dinner!

Yes, that is J and I drinking a hot beverage ever so graciously provided by my friend, H. Brilliant, I know.

Heavy Load.

I took a class this week that was a bit heavier on content than I expected. I am not sure I can accurately describe what is going on in my mind, yet I feel the need to try. Almost as an exercise of walking myself through the thoughts I am thinking and the implications those thoughts, expectations, desires and commands will have on my life. Or maybe it is because I need to give a voice to the heaviness that I feel.

The eight hour class focused on the idea of persecution. Persecution for faith and because of faith. What struck me most throughout the entire class is the perception that those in persecution have of life. They see and understand the Bible in a completely different light than I do. They understand the power of prayer in a way that I do not, the discipline they have to know and digest the Word is something I cannot quite comprehend, they are not afraid of the daylight or the darkness and what is most evident to me – they are free.

After sitting through nearly the entire class, God turned up the heat on me. About an hour and a half before the class was over, the speaker looked right at me (in truth he did not look directly at only me – but it sure felt that way) and said, “You can only take into persecution that which you have built before the trial.” He then went on to outline what living a victorious faith in the midst of persecution looks like over and over again in the people he talks to and interviews. The prevailing themes are so simple: learn the power of prayer and fasting, learn large portions of the Bible so that you can recreate the Bible from memory, get a “heart song” a song that you can sing to The Father, a song that you can stand on daily, by the hour or even by the second if needed, lose your fear and know where your freedom comes from.

I know that I register on the scale for those things; the question is do I register high enough to not only survive but to be used in a mighty and powerful way? I know that God grabbed my heart today for a reason, He wants all of me. He wants me to draw close to Him and to be filled with the knowledge of who He is. Am I ready for that? Honestly, I crave that. Therein lies the heaviness of my heart. I do crave to be with my Heavenly Father, to know Him, to trust Him and I desire to lead others to Him but I cannot seem to translate that desire of my heart - of my soul - into my human life. I know prayer and fasting and I have seen God answer prayers but I only seem to know them as situational remedies. Often prayer and certainly fasting are a secondary thought after panicking about a situation. I am unsure of prayer as a constant conversation with my God. I am hesitant to have that two way dialogue spontaneously erupt in my life. How do I overcome that? What needs to change in my heart for that dialogue to begin? When I was a child, my parents encouraged and made part of my education the learning of large portions of the Bible for which I will be eternally grateful. Yet I have not taken that principle of my childhood into my personal adult life. Not that I do not want it … I just cannot seem to apply the discipline necessary. I grew up with hymns and songs that communicate my relationship with Christ. Music has always been an important part of my life and music can change my mental condition, attitude and perception of life. There are a couple of songs that have become especially important in my life and help me remain focused on my Saviour, but can I sing these songs without the music? Can I come up with other songs that can offer worship without having the words and music in front of me? I doubt that I can. All these things I know that I have a foundation in, but I know that my foundation is not strong enough to support the demands of persecution. What really got me were the ideas of a loss of fear and the knowledge and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I think that the loss of fear is a result of acceptance and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I know that I am free in Christ and nothing will take that away. But am I free in Christ deep in my heart? Am I capable of living like I know no matter what is taken from me, I will still always be free from the control of others. In the end the question is do I trust the freedom I have?

I know, I know … there are a lot more questions than answers! I cannot help but be thankful to God for the provision He has made in my life and the opportunities He has given me. He has called me to this new job. I am here. However, He did not call me to a job I was not prepared for. How successful would I be in a situation of persecution? In being unprepared before the trial would my life do more harm than good? By my attendance of this class I feel like I have been given an opportunity to prepare myself in Him to face greater circumstances in the coming days of my life.

Say What?!

Vicissitude. As in the quality or state of being changeable or natural change or mutation visible in nature or in human affairs. Like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon - no longer a caterpillar - but now a beautiful butterfly.Okay, I seriously just picked the word vicissitude to be my “cool new word learned from someone here in VA.” Am I delusional? Have I finally gone mad? I know on the surface it is not as exciting of a word as interdigitate, but my introduction to it is cause enough for me to add vicissitude to my vocabulary. I do have to apologise that I have not given you the same introduction to vicissitude as I had – it is terribly difficult to convey the word vicissitude in the deep Alabaman accent that my friend H speaks.

A few of us were sitting around on Friday night hanging out and talking and the subject of interesting words came up (maybe we are nerds too, eh?). I shared about my post on interdigitating and H spoke up saying his favourite word “is vicissiteweude. “ “Huh? What did you say?” was about all I could say. I had no idea what he had said. After several minutes of H repeating himself and K trying his best to interpret for me, I figured out the word was vicissitude. The only thing I could think between breaths of laughter was … “man I gotta put that on the blog!”

Of course, I could not blog about a word without providing a picture description of the meaning (for you visual learners out there) and I have spent quite a bit of time trying to determine the best picture to portray the meaning of vicissitude. Turns out H has been concerned that I have not highlighted his word yet and on Sunday night inquired as to why. I tried to explain that I needed to find the right picture to put with my post. All I got in response was a quizzical look of wonder or maybe it was more a look of disbelief that I could even find a picture that portrayed the definition correctly?! Either way, it has turned into a challenge to find a picture that does a decent job of embodying the definition of vicissitude. A challenge that will end in H buying me and J, coffee when I win (or me buying H and J ice cream on the off chance I am unable to find a suitable picture). Here is your chance to make a difference in the world and more importantly, in my bank account. Do you think my picture gives an accurate visual to the definition of the word vicissitude? I think so. I will let you know what the jury here decides.

Fooled Again.

In Las Vegas when the sun is shining it means one of two things: it is either hot outside or it is chilly but still warm in the sun. After spending so many years in Las Vegas my mind understands this. Sun equals warmth on some level. Granted that warmth could really mean 115° and then it is just h-o-t, but that is beside the point. I struggle when I travel to other places because what I know at home is not always true in the rest of the world. Sometimes I am fooled by the presence of the sun.

This seems to be especially true here in VA. Each morning I get up and look out the window to see how the day is looking and try to figure out what I want or need to wear. Since there is no internet in my room this is how I get my daily weather forecast. I believe this method of forecasting would be significantly more successful for me if I did not look out the window, see the bright morning sun and automatically equate that with warmth! Instead, I get dressed and head out to face the long walk to breakfast only to be greeted by a freezing, biting and bone chilling cold. A cold that I swear is impenetrable by the warmth of the sun. What the heck?! The sun is out – I see it! Why is it not warm? I have this same conversation with myself every morning; all whilst I am smacking myself in the head trying to beat this new concept into my mind. Sun does not always equal warmth.

With reluctance, my mind is coming around to this idea. I have not completely, nor do I believe I ever will, master knowing how to tell if it is warm or cold when the sun is as bright as ever in the sky. Even this morning, I was getting ready for a run and though I could see the morning sun greeting the day, I layered on my tights, shorts, undershirt, t-shirt and jacket. Then I had to actually step outside to determine if I needed to run with a hat, gloves and a second jacket. To my surprise, the sun was pleasantly warm and I only ended up adding a hat to keep my ears warm (and you wonder why I will never get it right)!

So this morning as I ran, I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on my face. I imagined that I was at home running with the warmth of the sun. It would have worked – except for the snot running out of my nose and freezing on my face!

A Glimpse.

Life here in VA is a strange animal.

There are rules and guides to follow, prescribed meals and meal times, demands of my mind and my time, forced interaction, mandated personal application times and required cultural education that has nothing to do with my new culture ... all without much detailed direction or information. The connection to the world around me is limited to what I can catch online or in a conversation with someone from home. 300 or so of us share the same space, air, water and time. We wait in the same lines, check the same books out of the library, use the same internet server and participate in the same events day in and day out. With all this “togetherness” and “aloneness” it is hard to distinguish between the reality of life and the fakeness of living here.

There are days when it is frustrating to try to figure out how this time is preparing me for my new job. I want to get there and to try things and do things and see what works and what does not work. Everyone keeps telling me that it is all trial and error with my new job – so let me get out there and try something! Instead, I am here.

Other days I can see clearly how the knowledge I am soaking up and the relationships I am building will carry me into my new job.

In all the questioning and confusion, struggle and frustration and ups and downs something awesome is coming out of this time … Me. I pray that as I am changing – being challenged and molded in the pattern of who The Father designed me to be, I can stand firm in the knowledge of “who’s I am.”

For Your Entertainment.

Yes, the above video is in Scot-Gaelic?! It is the Lord's Prayer. Cool, huh? Can you see me being able to do that soon? Yeah, me neither! Haha. Every time I sit down to work on my language study or I think about all the classes that I will be taking - I get a bit overwhelmed. Then I come a cross a jem like this and I cannot imagine learning any other language right now.

Whilst I know I will never be as cute as him, I hope to be able to speak Gàidhlig as clearly as him.