Take Time.

The past few days I have been doing a lot of wondering. I have been wondering how on earth I am supposed to fill another day with nothing and still go to bed at night feeling like I contributed or accomplished something. All the wondering (and waiting) has left me tired and significantly less motivated to get up and do it again the next day.

Thankfully, I get an occasional kick in the pants that spurs me back …

It came this week past week. I have been reading about and studying the life of Moses. This past week I began the book of Leviticus. As I was reading … trying not to get bogged down in the details of the regulations for offerings, sacrifice, daily living and celebrations … a question kept coming to mind, why so many laws? What was the point? The point was holiness according to God.

Only through Christ is our worship considered holy and pleasing to God and it can only be identified in our lives by living out God’s character with purity both inside and out. These are things I struggle with. When I realised that God Himself was taking the time to teach those who did not know about holy living I was brought to my knees – how amazing to know that He who was willing to teach His Israelite children; is willing (and even wants) to teach me what it means to be holy in His image.

I know in my excitement and readiness to go, I can lose sight of the real point of it all – which is for me to be holy and worthy of being called a “faithful servant.”

Take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;

Abide in Him always, and feed on His Word.

Make friends of God’s children, help those who are weak,

Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.

Take time to be holy, the world rushes on;

Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone.

By looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;

Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.

Take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide;

And run not before Him, whatever betide.

In joy or in sorrow, still follow the Lord,

And, looking to Jesus, still trust in His Word.

Take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul,

Each thought and each motive beneath His control.

Thus led by His Spirit to fountains of love,

Thou soon shalt be fitted for service above.

-William D. Longstaff, 1882

Mountains.

Since I have been home, I have resumed my Saturday morning runs with Pop. I am constantly amazed at the beauty that greets me each early weekend morning. I enjoy running down the path relishing the beauty of the mountains around me. However, it is hard to run and snap photographs at the same time! I have been doing some rehab on an ankle so this past Saturday I had a rare opportunity to carry my camera and catch a few pictures (that of course do not do the view justice). Ahhh, I just love my mountains!

A Study in Wardrobe or Boredom.

It is true. I have worn pajama pants every day since Christmas. The only exception of course is Sunday's for church. Whilst I know my parents roll their eye's at me for wearing my p,j,'s everywhere ... I would hate to leave them mortified and actually wear them Sunday morning's to church!

His First Snow.

On Monday my family and I went up to Zion National Park. We usually go on Thanksgiving day, but since I wasn't here my wonderful family decided to wait for me to get home before they went! Ah, how nice. We went up there with my Aunt N and had our traditional picnic lunch and hiking adventures. Since we don't usually got this late it the year there was TONS of snow and a bit of ice. The snow and ice made our favourite hikes more challenging and adventurous. Brain, of course went with us. It was his first experience with snow. He was not quite sure what to do when he first stepped on the snow. It took him a few minutes to decide to walk around and after a few face plants and feeble attempts to keep himself from sinking in the snow he seemed to warm up to the experience. Haha. He didn't seem to mind it as long as the sun was out!

Painful.

A few weekends ago a bunch of people got together to play a 5 v 5 indoor soccer tourney. It was a friendly set of matches. HOWEVER, even friendlies have their moments of competition. It is in those moments one ends up with a toe that looks like this:

I feel like the pain, discoloration and eventual loss of my toe nail all reflect the deeper struggles of the last few weeks.

I set out on this new journey of life thinking I was moving forward on the path that had been set before me. I believed that I was where I was supposed to be. Things fell into place so perfectly. The job fit me so well, the location was amazing and I already had plans to grow and deepen friendships. It was a dream come true and a chance to do something that satisfied my soul’s longing to have an impact among a people I love.

The trauma of having my heart smashed – just like getting kicked – has left a big, ugly bruise. You know the kind where even the lightest of touches makes you scream in pain. It’s the kind of bruise that makes you hobble around for days and gets bigger and darker with each passing moment. Honestly, it is the kind of bruise that I might usually show off in pride because I had lived through the large amount of pain necessary to cause such a bruise. Right now there is no pride in my bruise. I cannot stand in a Rockyesque pose with my arms lifted in victory because it still hurts to lift my arms.

As the discoloration of my dream sets in the hardest question has been how could I decide to move on to something else? I was so sure this is where I was supposed to be going. It was where I wanted to be going … yet even in the changes I know I am where I am supposed to be. I know I did not take a wrong turn on the road forward. Nor will I speculate what I missed because I do not think I missed anything. It just appears that the Land of the Scots will not be my first stop; the ancient Celtic language will not be my third language.

The eventual loss of a toe nail is the body’s response to healing the brokenness and riding the body of impurities in order for new growth – the change in plans and my response to those changes is part of my soul’s own refining. It is a chance for new growth in faith, strength and dependence on my Father above. I look forward to the day when my heart once again matches where I am … just as my toes will match again, looking normal and healthy.

Victory.

Winner, winner chicken dinner!

Yes, that is J and I drinking a hot beverage ever so graciously provided by my friend, H. Brilliant, I know.

Heavy Load.

I took a class this week that was a bit heavier on content than I expected. I am not sure I can accurately describe what is going on in my mind, yet I feel the need to try. Almost as an exercise of walking myself through the thoughts I am thinking and the implications those thoughts, expectations, desires and commands will have on my life. Or maybe it is because I need to give a voice to the heaviness that I feel.

The eight hour class focused on the idea of persecution. Persecution for faith and because of faith. What struck me most throughout the entire class is the perception that those in persecution have of life. They see and understand the Bible in a completely different light than I do. They understand the power of prayer in a way that I do not, the discipline they have to know and digest the Word is something I cannot quite comprehend, they are not afraid of the daylight or the darkness and what is most evident to me – they are free.

After sitting through nearly the entire class, God turned up the heat on me. About an hour and a half before the class was over, the speaker looked right at me (in truth he did not look directly at only me – but it sure felt that way) and said, “You can only take into persecution that which you have built before the trial.” He then went on to outline what living a victorious faith in the midst of persecution looks like over and over again in the people he talks to and interviews. The prevailing themes are so simple: learn the power of prayer and fasting, learn large portions of the Bible so that you can recreate the Bible from memory, get a “heart song” a song that you can sing to The Father, a song that you can stand on daily, by the hour or even by the second if needed, lose your fear and know where your freedom comes from.

I know that I register on the scale for those things; the question is do I register high enough to not only survive but to be used in a mighty and powerful way? I know that God grabbed my heart today for a reason, He wants all of me. He wants me to draw close to Him and to be filled with the knowledge of who He is. Am I ready for that? Honestly, I crave that. Therein lies the heaviness of my heart. I do crave to be with my Heavenly Father, to know Him, to trust Him and I desire to lead others to Him but I cannot seem to translate that desire of my heart - of my soul - into my human life. I know prayer and fasting and I have seen God answer prayers but I only seem to know them as situational remedies. Often prayer and certainly fasting are a secondary thought after panicking about a situation. I am unsure of prayer as a constant conversation with my God. I am hesitant to have that two way dialogue spontaneously erupt in my life. How do I overcome that? What needs to change in my heart for that dialogue to begin? When I was a child, my parents encouraged and made part of my education the learning of large portions of the Bible for which I will be eternally grateful. Yet I have not taken that principle of my childhood into my personal adult life. Not that I do not want it … I just cannot seem to apply the discipline necessary. I grew up with hymns and songs that communicate my relationship with Christ. Music has always been an important part of my life and music can change my mental condition, attitude and perception of life. There are a couple of songs that have become especially important in my life and help me remain focused on my Saviour, but can I sing these songs without the music? Can I come up with other songs that can offer worship without having the words and music in front of me? I doubt that I can. All these things I know that I have a foundation in, but I know that my foundation is not strong enough to support the demands of persecution. What really got me were the ideas of a loss of fear and the knowledge and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I think that the loss of fear is a result of acceptance and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I know that I am free in Christ and nothing will take that away. But am I free in Christ deep in my heart? Am I capable of living like I know no matter what is taken from me, I will still always be free from the control of others. In the end the question is do I trust the freedom I have?

I know, I know … there are a lot more questions than answers! I cannot help but be thankful to God for the provision He has made in my life and the opportunities He has given me. He has called me to this new job. I am here. However, He did not call me to a job I was not prepared for. How successful would I be in a situation of persecution? In being unprepared before the trial would my life do more harm than good? By my attendance of this class I feel like I have been given an opportunity to prepare myself in Him to face greater circumstances in the coming days of my life.