One moment I am experiencing the jerking movements of the chain on the tracks - pulling me up from the bottom of the hill; in the next I am sitting on top of the arch with a magnificent view of the world and its possibilities and then suddenly I am plunged back down the hill to the bottom of negative thoughts and experiences.
Imagine you have a wonderful birthday party with beautiful women, who are willing to step out of their norm for you. You can even share the evening in a language you don't speak nor understand much and it is okay with you. You laugh, joke and tease. Through the evening you share a bit of yourself and they share a bit of themselves. You go to bed thinking, "maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all." There is your up.
Then you wake up on Monday morning with a list of things to accomplish for the day. One glaring item on your list is a trip to the post office because you need an envelope to mail something special. Imagine this is a task you have put off for quite some time because it is scary - but you are leaving soon and it needs to get done. Time to be brave and go buy an envelope. On your way to the post office you check your dictionary to make sure you know the word for envelope. It is not in there. You panic a bit, but tell yourself you have been in the post office before, you are excellent at charades and can simply point if it comes to that. You walk into the post office only to discover that they are rearranging everything and have taken the "examples" of envelops and boxes off the walls. You debate with yourself as to weather you should try to get an envelope or just leave ... your sense of duty and independence win out and you stay (not without waiting for the entire post office to clear of other patrons because you are severely embarrassed by the fact that you have lived in this country for nine months and cannot put together the words to purchase an envelope). The attempt at buying an envelop goes terribly bad and after several tries you say something to the effect of never mind and thank you and walk out. The tears of your defeat are contained ... if only by the biting of the wind and the snow flurry that has waited for you outside. There is your down.
Now you get to spend the next twenty-four hours dreading the fact that you have to order yourself a taxi in order to get to the airport on Wednesday. Down again.
At least if that works out you will be on a plane to somewhere slightly warmer, with a foreign language you might understand and wonderful friends you cannot wait to see. Maybe there is an up coming soon.
The constant up and down is tiresome to me. It seems to dominate so much of me lately and I do not like it. I do not like being in a constant power struggle over my emotions, my reactions, my attitude and my face. Every time I seek help to let something go, I do. But guess what category the next down falls into ... and then suddenly it is in my hands again and not in the hands of my Father. If I were unbiased in introspection I might say that often times though I take things back into my own hands they are easier to return to their rightful owner. And maybe even less of it returns to me each time (except in the language category and that just gets worse).
I do not know what the solution to this is. Perhaps there is not a permanent solution. Perhaps the point is to journey on the road to realisation of the struggle; to simply treasure the better moments deep in my soul and to move to unashamed and constant dependence on giving the downs over and over again to the One who can handle them.
Race day arrived with nervousness about the weather, the route and significant questions as to my sanity. I could not decide if I was really ready for the rain, the wind and the hills?! But thanks to the pushing and prodding of my girls - I managed to get myself out to the starting line.
Me and my entourage! They took their jobs very seriously and worked to encourage me, to get me pumped up and they even made an attempt to shield me from the rain (that one did not work out so well). I think they enjoyed getting into the spirit of the race and were just as pumped about it as I was; which is a good thing because it took them nearly as long to get to the finish line by foot, train and bus as it did me running!
In the final moments before the start ... there were thoughts of home. The girls cleverly decorated my fashionable trash bag with just about every Las Vegas phrase they could think of.
This picture was taken just after topping out at the crest of the longest (not steepest ... nor even close to the last) hill section in the course. My mind was racing in all different directions as I crested the hill ... I remember most of them (is that normal?). There were several thoughts about the having focused to much on the weather and not enough on hill preparation; there was the lingering smile of reaching the top in a "take that" manner! This was directed at the spectator who called me out by name and told me to focus and get my backside up that hill (not a direct quote - but you get the idea); there were the thoughts of shock that I was really running in France and Spain and there were the ever present thoughts of my loved ones who were supporting me from so far away. I ran with them in my heart.
And best of all ... I finished! Woohoo. (I was SO thirsty, I could think of nothing else) My official time was 2:07:13. Not to bad having spent those two hours running head first into the wind, along with enduring several rain showers, chugging up hills and trying not to roll down the other side. I was (okay, okay ... and still am) pretty pleased with myself. 
Once the pumpkins were all carved, we put candles in them and the girls thought they were nice. We took lots of pictures with the pumpkins. The problem was ... I was not getting the reaction I was looking for. I wanted them to be thrilled with all their hard work. Haha.
We enjoyed some tea and cake and visited for a little bit longer. I had a wonderful time with the girls and I am so glad I caved and threw myself a party! What a blessing. I hope that I can be creative and come up with opportunities to invite the girls back. I loved having them in my home, laughing with them, getting to know them better and simply being with them. All told, it was a wonderful evening - and a wonderful birthday.
