Heavy Load.

I took a class this week that was a bit heavier on content than I expected. I am not sure I can accurately describe what is going on in my mind, yet I feel the need to try. Almost as an exercise of walking myself through the thoughts I am thinking and the implications those thoughts, expectations, desires and commands will have on my life. Or maybe it is because I need to give a voice to the heaviness that I feel.

The eight hour class focused on the idea of persecution. Persecution for faith and because of faith. What struck me most throughout the entire class is the perception that those in persecution have of life. They see and understand the Bible in a completely different light than I do. They understand the power of prayer in a way that I do not, the discipline they have to know and digest the Word is something I cannot quite comprehend, they are not afraid of the daylight or the darkness and what is most evident to me – they are free.

After sitting through nearly the entire class, God turned up the heat on me. About an hour and a half before the class was over, the speaker looked right at me (in truth he did not look directly at only me – but it sure felt that way) and said, “You can only take into persecution that which you have built before the trial.” He then went on to outline what living a victorious faith in the midst of persecution looks like over and over again in the people he talks to and interviews. The prevailing themes are so simple: learn the power of prayer and fasting, learn large portions of the Bible so that you can recreate the Bible from memory, get a “heart song” a song that you can sing to The Father, a song that you can stand on daily, by the hour or even by the second if needed, lose your fear and know where your freedom comes from.

I know that I register on the scale for those things; the question is do I register high enough to not only survive but to be used in a mighty and powerful way? I know that God grabbed my heart today for a reason, He wants all of me. He wants me to draw close to Him and to be filled with the knowledge of who He is. Am I ready for that? Honestly, I crave that. Therein lies the heaviness of my heart. I do crave to be with my Heavenly Father, to know Him, to trust Him and I desire to lead others to Him but I cannot seem to translate that desire of my heart - of my soul - into my human life. I know prayer and fasting and I have seen God answer prayers but I only seem to know them as situational remedies. Often prayer and certainly fasting are a secondary thought after panicking about a situation. I am unsure of prayer as a constant conversation with my God. I am hesitant to have that two way dialogue spontaneously erupt in my life. How do I overcome that? What needs to change in my heart for that dialogue to begin? When I was a child, my parents encouraged and made part of my education the learning of large portions of the Bible for which I will be eternally grateful. Yet I have not taken that principle of my childhood into my personal adult life. Not that I do not want it … I just cannot seem to apply the discipline necessary. I grew up with hymns and songs that communicate my relationship with Christ. Music has always been an important part of my life and music can change my mental condition, attitude and perception of life. There are a couple of songs that have become especially important in my life and help me remain focused on my Saviour, but can I sing these songs without the music? Can I come up with other songs that can offer worship without having the words and music in front of me? I doubt that I can. All these things I know that I have a foundation in, but I know that my foundation is not strong enough to support the demands of persecution. What really got me were the ideas of a loss of fear and the knowledge and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I think that the loss of fear is a result of acceptance and understanding of where my freedom comes from. I know that I am free in Christ and nothing will take that away. But am I free in Christ deep in my heart? Am I capable of living like I know no matter what is taken from me, I will still always be free from the control of others. In the end the question is do I trust the freedom I have?

I know, I know … there are a lot more questions than answers! I cannot help but be thankful to God for the provision He has made in my life and the opportunities He has given me. He has called me to this new job. I am here. However, He did not call me to a job I was not prepared for. How successful would I be in a situation of persecution? In being unprepared before the trial would my life do more harm than good? By my attendance of this class I feel like I have been given an opportunity to prepare myself in Him to face greater circumstances in the coming days of my life.