Small Successes.

I often wonder why even the smallest successes can sometimes come with the biggest feelings of guilt, failure or even feeling lack of success.

Take this morning for instance. I was waiting outside my flat building waiting for the marshutka (bus) that I ride into the seminary every morning. A woman walked up to me and asked me if this was a marshutka stop and if it was what numbers stopped here and where did they go? I actually understood everything she said to me ... not the usual two or three words that I piece into a conversation ... and I was able to answer her that yes it was a marshutka stop, numbers 407 and 45d stopped here and they both went to the Kharkivska Metro station and beyond.

Then she wanted to talk. And I did my best. She wanted to talk about my accent. I didn't sound Ukrainian but I could British. Was I British? American? We talked about where I was from in the States. I got the standard Las Vegas?! Wow, response. We talked about the different sizes of both Kyiv and Las Vegas and she was shocked that Kyiv was bigger (by population) than Las Vegas. Then she asked what I was doing in Kyiv and I tried to tell her. I ended up reverting back to my standard answer of "teaching English" because that was all I could think of to describe what I do that I could actually say! I was so thankful when the marshutka showed up and we got on. She sat next to some other woman and told her about just meeting an American girl from Las Vegas, who was here teaching English! When she exited the marshutka she looked back at me and said "good day" with a smile.

As the marshutka rolled away, I though man that was cool! Which was immediately followed by the thought, man I should have been able to do so much more! Maybe it is my perfectionist personality or just a genuine desire to communicate with random people like this woman - but either way I still feel like after seven months here I should be able to do so much better. I am trying to hold on to the positives that I actually understood most of her questions and conversation and that I was able to respond in an appropriate manner - but its hard when I wonder have I really applied myself hard enough to learning the language? Have I really done all I can to learn to speak?

I suppose those feelings come as a reminder to apply myself to things I want to feel successful at - or even as a prodding to get back on track with what my goals and desires are around here. My goal for the morning is not to loose the pictures of her smiling face and her willing heart to talk to me.